What Can I Say to My Grieving Friend? (repost)

I am reposting this with the book excerpt by itself.  Having gone through the grief process myself, I wish I had had something like this to pass to well-meaning friends.

I ran across this page in a book that I thought I'd share with you.  If your friend is grieving, this a good example of re-framing your approach to him or her.  If you are the grieving one, I encourage you to give this to your friends. 

What Can I Say to My Grieving Friend?

Instead of: "I know exactly how you feel."
Try: "I can only imagine what you're going through."
 
Instead of: "At least he doesn't have to suffer anymore."
Try: "He suffered through a lot, didn't he?"
 
Instead of: "It's God's will."
Try: "One comfort I find is God's promise to never abandon us."
 
Instead of: "She wouldn't want you to grieve."
Try: "It's hard to say good-bye, isn't it?"
 
Instead of: "You can't be angry with God."
Try: "God understands even when we're upset."
 
Instead of: "At least you have other family members." [or any other "at least," for that matter]
Try: "There's no way to replace the one you've lost, is there?"
 
Instead of: "Don't you think it's time to get on with living your life?"
Try: "Everyone has to grieve in their own way, don't they?"
 
Instead of: "Don't talk about the funeral--it will only make you sad."
Try: "We can talk about whatever you want."
 
Instead of: "Time heals all wounds."
Try: "Time will lessen the pain, but you'll always have a part of him/her with you."

Instead of: "You've got to be strong."
Try: "I want you to know you can be yourself around me"
 
Excerpt from the book Disrupted:  Finding God in Illness & Loss by Virgil M. Fry, Houston, TX

[reprinted with permission]

Comments

[Annie]

I just lost my sister two weeks ago... people are so well intentioned but lack the skill of comforting words... thanks so much for sharing this...

[Kelly]

Having lost a baby a few years ago, this would have been so helpful - sometimes people just don't know what to say, so they say things that are well-meaning, but just don't help much. This is beautiful. A great reminder that God walks - and grieves - with us through our pain. Thanks for sharing.

[Karen]

Just now seeing this - a great reminder for us all. I hope you're doing well!

[Mom]

Instead of: "She wouldn't want you to grieve."

This one infuriated me. Of all the people I have known, your sister would understand and simply have hugged me & cried with me, without critique.

A well-needed post, Crys. This season of the year fills me with the most hope & optimism that 'one day'... no more goodbyes--ever. But it took me years to reach that point.

[lindsay]

I recently ran across your blog and I think it's beautiful. And your pictures are BREATHTAKING!!! I'm going to have to be one of your stalkers...

[Annette]

Thank you for sharing these. I've always struggled with 'appropriate comfort' and these are sensitive, show caring, and respect for the deceased and the grieving.
Thank you!