It's December 11. Not 12 or 13, Lora's and my birthday's, respectively. Sometimes 9,10, 11...they're harder for some reason. People naturally expect that my sister's birthday, or her homegoing anniversary, or Christmas day - that those days are the hardest. I'm sure for some they are (I know they are for my mom). But for me, the anticipation of a thing has always been harder, because I'm a planner, a thinker...I'm always a step ahead, it seems. So this week in general has been a melancholy one. I'm sure the hormones don't help. But, somehow it's in the little things.
Like driving down a main street on a gray day this week, I passed a cemetary. Little clouds of red flowers dusting the small field of gravestones. That made me sad. My sister's grave is not a place I can go, and most times that's perfectly fine. I do most of my remembering and honoring of her in other ways. But sometimes it makes me sad, that I'm not there.
Or listening to my youngest boo-hoo tonight at the dinner table because my husband brought her a glass of milk but not sissy. She actually wouldn't stop bawling until Evyn got her milk. That made me smile, and miss my sister a little. She was the same way. I can't stop thinking of Lora when I watch how fiercely protective and genuinely loving they are of each other.
Or on a bad day, when I want so badly to just reach out to my first "other half." I'm grateful for my husband, who is my dearest friend and supporter, and who loves me and is encouraging just when I need him to be. But he is not a girl. And is not my sister.
I have a surprising number of close relationships with women. I'm so appreciative of those friends, who are loyal and supportive of me. And I take great care with those friendships because they are so much like sisters to me. But in the end, they aren't my sister. They aren't obligated to me, don't share my history, weren't there for all the good and bad growing up, weren't the ones who wrote me a last birthday letter with visions and promises of a life side-by-side as sisters...there was only one. And she's gone. And there are just some days that makes me lonely.
She would be 29. I don't dwell too long on the "what-ifs" but I do catch myself picturing her chasing a baby or two around the kitchen, calling me for advice (or offering it). Maybe saying "remember when?" as we joke about our kids and what they're up to. And then I snap out of it, and instead watch my own girls with fond memories, hopeful they will always be as loving as they seem to be now, and constantly encouraging them to take care of each other, expecting (praying) they'll be able to...well past my own lifetime.
Lonely a lot...a sister is just special... no doubt...no one will replace her but I hope that over time God will place a unique friend in your life that can be a different kind of sister to you. My heart aches for your family.
Posted by: carrie | 12/30/2009 at 07:23 PM
Sending good thoughts and love to you, Crystal. Hoping the holiday swoops you up with all the joy and celebration. I know your girls will bring that too. They are lovely- a sweet reflection of your own caring heart- and certainly the spirit of Lora's too.
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas, my sweet friend! xoC
Posted by: charlotte | 12/19/2009 at 08:48 AM
Crystal - Whenever you write about Lora, I am left with tears in my eyes. You write so beautifully about her and the (too short) relationship you shared. Thinking of you...Keri
Posted by: keri | 12/14/2009 at 07:17 AM
Crys...you make me cry so hard. I wish I had something to say to you to make you feel less melancholy. All I can say is, I am thinking about you and Lora today. I never had a sister, but I can imagine that losing one would be far worse than not having one to start with. I am so thankful my 2 little girls have a sister. Even though there has been many, many years and miles between us, I love you and my heart hearts on your behalf today. Take care my dear...you will see her again someday.
Posted by: Beth Maslikowski Moyer | 12/12/2009 at 01:18 PM
Hugs. First time visitor - popping in to thank you for your lined tote tutorial. I lost my mum in Aug 07 and yes, milestones are sometimes the hardest.
more hugs...
Posted by: bronny | 12/12/2009 at 04:00 AM
Beautiful post - thanks for reminding me to cherish each wonderful day with mine...I pray you and your family are comforted with His peace this week!
Posted by: Amber | 12/11/2009 at 09:18 PM
Sending you love.
You write so beautifully about such a hard thing.
XO
Posted by: Amanda | 12/11/2009 at 08:34 PM