You probably think this is an ordinary picture of a sleeping baby. But, for me, you are looking at a picture of my mental health. If that sounds like a joke, I assure you it's not.
You see, we are coming up on what some were expecting to be Meltdown No. 2.
When Ashlyn was this age she did not take naps. And she did not sleep for long stretches at night. That probably seems reasonable to most people - after all, most babies grow out of that. But for me it was devastation. On and off for years now I have suffered anxiety, largely due to something called "catastrophic thinking." The long and short of it is that when I am overtired, and in an anxious state, my thoughts race to the extreme. "Always" and "never" become my vocabulary. And it spirals from there. When Ashlyn was this age, I was just sure she was almost never going to sleep through the night or take a reasonable nap. I got little sleep, and, coupled with anxiety, I started to think the marathon of sleeplessness and her unpredictable schedule would never end. And one day I just cracked.
Thankfully, my small group of new friends rallied around me, my mom came to visit, and James took off work so that I could get better. And in a relatively short amount of time, I did. At the same time, Ashlyn started sleeping mostly through the night and started taking naps of an hour or more. It's hard to say if I would have gotten better so fast if she had continued to be difficult, but I have a feeling I would have still been anxious if her schedule hadn't improved.
Fast forward to the day I found out I was pregnant with Surprise Baby. I could not picture a third baby - it was not a family dynamic I had experienced or thought that I wanted. And even once I accepted - even started looking forward to - our sweet third baby, there was a shadow that loomed over the joy whenever my husband and friends talked about the baby. Frankly, they were all waiting to see if I'd crack again.
And here's the thing: if Cam wasn't a sleeper, I just might have. I remember one of the few evenings he had a difficult time getting back to sleep after a bottle and I could feel the irritation and racing thoughts welling up almost instantly. I pushed them back, remembering that even if he was a repeat of Ashlyn's tendencies, it would eventually be okay. But I was hoping and praying that I wouldn't have to work so hard just to keep my head in a reasonable frame of mind.
God thought to have mercy on me. Cam is going on 11 weeks old (you'll notice I thought he was three months old last week - you lose track of time when your family turns into a small daycare). He sleeps from 8 PM until 4:00 AM most nights and has even gone to almost 7AM several times. He takes two 2-hour naps a day and when he's awake, he's content and happy to just look around. It is nothing short of amazing for me and a huge answer to prayer.
I didn't take this picture just to capture how sweet Cam is, with those beautiful lashes and daddy's cleft chin. I took it to remember to thank God for giving me a break. At times it seemed downright selfish to have asked God for a sleeping baby - when some just want a healthy one. But to me this is a perfect reminder that God isn't just for miracles. God is in the daily, the every day, the mundane, the small. And I'm grateful for it.
These words made me cry. I am getting ready to have our third and surprise baby in December, and I spend a lot of time stressing over how on earth I am going to be able to handle another child. My son turned 2 in August, and my Daughter turned 1 earlier this month, so my stress is more in having them SO CLOSE together. There is a lot that I am praying to God about for this child, and hearing how He has so graciously answered your prayers gives me encouragement!
Posted by: Sarah | 09/19/2011 at 12:13 PM
I am so glad that you cried out to God. He is there for us if we only would call upon Him. I raised 4 sons and my last was a daughter. My 2nd son was only 6 WKS Old when I got pregnant again. And when he was born he slept all day and was up at night. He had his days & nites reversed. It was so hard but all I could do is to pray and ask the Lord for His help and strength to raise 4 boys. They are now in their 50's and I am still here
God is faithful.
Posted by: Ethel | 02/20/2011 at 01:20 PM
I don't know you, and was told about your blog by a friend. I read this post and almost felt like I was reading my own journal! My baby did not, and continues to not sleep at night (he's over 18 months old). We did the no nap thing for a long time too. You truly can only understand how difficult that is to deal with when you have been through it. I love that you recognized God's tender mercies in your life, and you have reminded me to continue to recognize His hand in mine!
Posted by: Mandy | 07/20/2010 at 01:03 PM
So glad this is all working out. Three kids is not easy, and if your third is a good sleeper, it certainly does help. A beautiful photo too, just gorgeous.
Posted by: Jenny Schimak | 06/30/2010 at 02:48 AM
He is so handsome. I am glad he sleeps good for you. I enjoyed your birth announcement and have shown it to the girsl I work with. Your family is beautiful. I enjoy your web site so much. The girls will be such help to you. Hope to see you in Tennessee sometime.
Posted by: Donna Porter | 06/21/2010 at 01:58 PM
If it's important to you, it's important to Him. It is easy for me to forget that sometimes.
Posted by: Chris | 06/15/2010 at 12:21 PM
Oh I'm with you honey. I find sanctuary in Stinka's nap ques. Not that she sleeps for 2 hours but the 15 minutes that I get to put her down without fear of her putting anything in her mouth or destroying the big kid's prized posessions is EXACTLY what keep me from going over the edge some days.
Posted by: Brandy | 06/14/2010 at 09:00 AM
You are not the only one who has prayed for a sleeping baby. My first was a terrible sleeper, and when she did go to sleep, it was only after I had rocked her for at least an hour. I became pregnant when she was 6 WEEKS OLD!! So when I would rock her, I would pray "please God, please let the new baby sleep without rocking." And do you know, the new baby was the best little sleeper. I could even put her in her crib awake and she would put herself to sleep. She truly was an answer to prayers. She is 22 now, newly commissioned in the Army and on her way to her first duty station. Best of luck to you.
Posted by: kathi | 06/13/2010 at 06:17 PM